Tag: marriage

Standards OR Fantasy

Of course! Have standards.

Matter of fact,

Lowering your standards is a bad habit. Stop it!

Referring to my previous post, Man of Your Dreams, some folks took issue with my musing. In that post, I shared a prevalent observation which was that many in my generation are looking for the perfect, got it all together other, the “designer spouse,” – the one!

And yes, I agreed they could be found in one place – in our dreams and fantasies.

Maybe that was too much. Was it?

A…n…y…who.

In regards to that post, a close friend who was bothered by it asked a great question. In this post, I share some things we discussed.

Question:

My friend wanted to know –

Where do you draw the line between standards and accepting something less than what you hoped?

So, first, I apologize if my previous post made you think I was downplaying the idea of having standards. By no means.

In Man of Your Dreams, I wasn’t talking about standards. I was talking about fantasies. My point was that if someone we were looking for someone who had only the best qualities of the different types of people we have seen or dated, we won’t find them. If we were looking for that perfect one, it was pointless looking any farther than the fantasies in our heads

Having standards is awesome. I have them

But, if your standards are skewed by fantasies, then you may be passing up good matches because of skewed standards. No one can know but you. So, do you have standards or are your standards fantasies?

Another possibility might be that if you are young and are looking for a woman with enumerable grand qualities which don’t necessarily qualify as fantasy, then you may be looking for someone beyond your age group.

Or rather, you may be passing a good match, who is not there yet but would eventually become that type of person as you both grow in relationship or marriage.

Why? Because –

It takes time, crisis, and life experiences for people to become strong in many character traits and less of a handicap on their weak side.

So go easy on the people you meet. On the other hand –

Are you the type of person the one you are looking is looking for? Would you be the type of person the woman of your dreams would be looking for if you found them?

Lastly,

God’s blessings usually don’t always come the way we expect them.

What if your perfect match comes to you in a different color of skin, mindset, in difficulties, with a history…wrapped up in temporal difficulties? Obviously, it won’t be what you are looking for or the way you plan on seeing or experiencing them.

What then?

So yes. I think standards are great. But, if they are skewed by unrealistic expectations and fantasies, then the resulting search for a spouse might be a man or woman of your dreams. And funny thing is –

They are called man of your dreams or woman of your dreams for a reason. They live in your dreams.

But, here is one risk we many may fail to consider when searching endlessly for the person of their dreams.

If you keep passing up good guys/ladies and good matches hoping to find the perfect one in your continued search and plan on doing so till you find “The One,” then don’t forget to account for the following risk:

You may come to the age where you will be left with fewer and fewer good options options to chose from. 

Not making a choice is actually a choice. And if you don’t make one, someone else or something else will do it for you. Time and circumstances may do it for you

 

I may be wrong.

What do you think?

….


Please share in the comments

Man of Your Dreams

This is going to be an excellent year

What are you guys doing for Valentines day?

Well, I don’t know. I have no idea. I confess, I’m a romantic. But, somewhere between life and a hard place, I lost my mojo. I lost my M.O

I’m no Moto-Moto

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I’m guessing you “love birds” are making last minute arrangements and wrapping up on your romance strategies with bags of roses, rings, necklaces, planned lush dinners, proposals…!

And then on Valentine’s day its…

Girls and free drinks, Singles and a few drinks, Guys and two things, Cuddles and Chick Flicks, Breakups and Karaokes, “will you marry me” and diamond rings, dates talking pet peeves…you know, the usual.

And then, there is “US.” Singles with little or no prospects who can’t stand the commercialization of love and loneliness.

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Can I get a witness?

A…n…y…w…a…y.

I have been wondering why some of “us” who have “the goods” are single and boy do I have some musings to share with you.

Because – LOVE.

It is breath-taking how many of “us” are looking for “The One,” the man or woman of their dreams. Thanks to popular culture, folks have been on a mission to find “The One”, the perfect match, a soul befitting of the fifty shades of grey.

And we can all tip our hats to TV ads, TV shows, and the mass commercialization of beauty, sex, and body parts for altering our perceptions of what is acceptable and what is not. These alongside others have unconsciously set us on a path to find the “designer spouse.”

Let me illustrate with a story* what a designer date/spouse is with some sneaky wisdom which is the point of this post. Catch it if you can.

A woman once came to see The Rebbe. She said to him, “My daughter is struggling to find a match.” The Rebbe asked, “Does she know what she is looking for in a husband?” This woman proceeded to share every imaginable quality. To which the Rebbe replied, “It sounds to me like you are describing at least three different boys.”

Get it?

Using another example, Jim who enumerates countless qualities he is looking for in a woman, is not looking for one woman. In reality, what he was saying is that –

he wants a beautiful woman with Lucy’s brains, Britney’s cute blue eyes, Ana’s perfect sexy body, Tina’s top model fashion style, Taisha’s black is gold attitude, Tina’s cooking skills….

In short,

If you are looking for someone who carries all the best qualities of the Ghost of Relationships Past, then yeah….you are looking for a designer partner.

So what’s the problem with that?

None at all! Except, if  like Jim, you are thinking along those lines, looking for that type of person, with all those endless qualities or the best qualities of your many ex, you won’t find them.

Scratch that.

You will find them – in your dreams.

I know I did.

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They are called “man of your dreams” for a reason – Mendel Kalmenson

If you insist on looking for them, you will be cheating.

That’s because you are already in a relationship with the man/woman of your dreams. If you want to date, break up with the man or woman of your dreams first.

So, loosen up a little. Give people a break and just let people be people. You are one of them. Everyone has a past. And heads up from Caralyn, author of Beautybeyondbones.com –

We are all recovering from something.

Yes, even you.

And by the way,

Even if someone has been a jerk, you have been too. Have mercy. You changed. What makes you think they can’t?

So – here’s a thought for you –

because – Season of Love.

When next you see that average Joe or pretty Sally at the store – go up to them. Compliment something about them and ask them out to coffee. Its simple.

Just say,  “Would you like to grab coffee sometime?”

They may turn out to be The Velvet heart shaped chocolate you have been looking for, wrapped in a freshly twisted candy wrapper called – current circumstances and temporal shortcomings which your righteous self might fail to perceive. Or they might bolt and never text you after the first date.

Who knows! You might ask in time to make that coffee date your valentines day special. Good luck. And…

Oh…don’t worry about me. I believe in miracles. I pray I am someone’s secret Valentine.  I may decide to be someone’s Prince Charming from the Hood. Ooouu…, there goes my mojo…it’s coming back to me…

Besides,

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Life is not full of surprises: I am. Are you?

Okay, I’m finished with my musings. 

But, I’m curious though_

– What are some of the qualities you are looking for in a potential date or spouse?

If you have ever had the “Designer-Date-man-of-your-dreams” syndrome, how do you overcome that in your mind and get back to dating real people? 


*Story taken from – Seeds of Wisdom,  by Mendel Kalmenson 

The Search for Love is REAL

Hello fam,

I’ve been up and running, from North to South in Califonia and just returned to the villa. Personally, I prefer to sit down, reflect, and write. So, its been particularly difficult to set the mood and press some fresh spiritual and inspiration juice for you.

Nevertheless…

What’s up people?

THIS IS GOING TO BE AN EXCELLENT YEAR

Last weekend, I was in Orange County attending a Singles Life Workshop. And people, let me tell you – AMAZING! I was thinking I would walk into this event and meet 20-somethings and maybe, 30-somethings and maybe find a “pretty mama” but noooo….

I saw a few 20-somethings and 30’s to 60-somethings all over the place. I was like – Lord, have mercy…

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Seriously! I was like…even the 40’s to 70’s are looking for love?

I thought folks in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s…would have it down by now. I thought they would have it all together. But nooo…both the men and women came with their own issues.

And boy, some of those ladies had that perfect 8, size 10…body…, tights, boots, heels and that Beyonce Knowles walk. And…I mean… Continue reading “The Search for Love is REAL”

THE EXPONENTIAL REALITY OF MARRIAGE

No!

I’m not married. I’m just excited about it. I never used to be. Marriage used to terrify me. I grew up in a matrix of a home. I love my folks. But, I must confess that my family had quite the baggage. Ok, my side of the family. That contributed to the doubts and fear I had about marriage.

But, as one of my favorite bloggers would say,

We are all recovering from something – BBB

So, what can I possibly share about marriage that could get you thinking, preparing, and as excited as I am, you wonder. Let me share some observations. Continue reading “THE EXPONENTIAL REALITY OF MARRIAGE”

FAMILY IS GOLD

You have heard it said that, “Life is not about the destination but its about the journey.” Well, I disagree. Okay maybe – slightly.

The most valuable lesson I have learned in my travels and adventures is this:

Life, dreams, visions…destiny is not about the destination and its really not about the journey either. Its about THE PEOPLE on the journey to your destination.

Continue reading “FAMILY IS GOLD”