I don’t know how this is going to go down but I guess I will find out.
I’m not sure how many people read this blog or will ever read it so I will take vulnerability for a test drive. Today I want to be vulnerable. To share my trials, struggles, pains…! This is going to be hard, but l promise to try.
For a while, I have been on a journey with God. To discover something. To prove something. It began when I was 17 and its been a good ride, no lie. I knew it would be a challenge rolling with an unconventional Father, a God of mystery. I knew and I said yes anyway. And lately, the difficulties have been long and hard.
For days, I have just lied down on the carpet looking at the ceiling after midnight, asking myself – what’s the point? What’s the point of everything? What’s the point of my life? Where is God in all this? What is he saying? Does he even hear me? Does his word still stand? Are we still working with it?
If you wandered why I didn’t write something last week, its because I didn’t know what. I didn’t know how. Plus, life happens. And then school happens. Throw in work for minimal wages. And now you can imagine me starring at my laptop screen wandering what to say. Wandering if I should share.
But, I promised to try. So we go.
This semester has been tough. This May, I can graduate if I register and take one final course in the summer. But, the person who was supposed to pay my tuition flaked out. That means I can’t walk for graduation and may not be able to register for that one last course.
Recently, my heart was broken and my trust pierced. I feel tension all the time living with a relative. She has so much pressure on her and me being in her house worries me because I feel like I am adding to her troubles. I feel like a burden to her. Because of an unfortunate situation, I get paid like a peasant. I have been anxious, fearful, and have had panic attacks. These are not things that have really ever happened. Or at least, not normally.
Most of my close friends live far away and its hard to connect with them because of their schedules. Making new friends at my age is a bit challenging especially in the City of Angels, the city of hype and facades. I have been confused, wondering why I can’t clearly discern that still small voice, fearful that HE may flake out on His promise. Some of these trials have been going on 2-3 years now. Not that I haven’t gone through similar. But, the intensity is high is all. Its been so long and I have begun to wander – where am I?
Where are you God in all this? What are you saying and what would you say in all this? Is your promise still valid or did I do something stupid to screw everything up? I wander…
I often wander –
I am persevering or just being stupid? I’m not sure sometimes. Its only – the yes – that helps me comply. I went through a particular trial that required me to pull every dollar I had in my savings and retirement accounts. And still, nothing happened. My mother and grandmother have done so much for me in life. Yet, I don’t have much to honor them with and that pains me. I have projects I have worked on for years which may be valuable to some people, but everything just seems to be at a stalemate and wander if its going to mean anything to mean anything to anyone.
The other day, while riding to work, my cheap coffee tipped over and fell all over me. All these trials flooded my mind at that instant. I had to stop and try to breath. Remorse was my companion.
Why me I often think? What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? Have I done everything I could? I know I have tried. I asked for all the help I could. I have been called names, yet kept my cool. What more do you want from me, God? What else do you want that isn’t already yours? What more can I give you that I haven’t already sacrificed? I know: I said yes. Its the adventure I signed up for. But, why this hard?
Have you ever wanted to cry, but forgot how to? Tried to mourn over a loss but so startled that you forgot the loss happened? Wanted to speak but forgot how? If you have, then you are not alone.
I have wandered –
What else do I have? Where would I go if I got kicked out of the house? What would I do? Does anyone really care? Why would anyone when they have their own trials and troubles? People go through so much. Why should I matter? They need more love and help than I. Why am I complaining?
Awe…man, I have just been thinking –
Who can I trust? Do I stop and do my own thing or trust, obey, and keep going? How much long will it be Lord? I might be reaching my limits. Patience is not my strong suit. On this journey I have lost friends, relationships and perhaps all my resources because I said yes. I have made choices which I am glad I did and one or two bloopers which I can’t believe was me. But, that’s life. I am trying Lord. And I am still here. Does that count for anything?
What do I do now, I wander? All these things weigh on my heart and mind. I have had doubts. I have been afraid. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. I don’t want to fail. I feel let down and left behind. It is a heavy weight, this cross I must pick up and follow you.
In all, I remember that GOD IS GOOD. God is Good. God is good. God is a faithful God. God is good. God is good today. God is good tomorrow. God is good. God is really good. He is good. He is weird. He is different. He is unconventional. I may not understand his vibe and his style. But He is good. He knows best. He is good. God is good.
I have had to tell my soul again and again –
“Why are you cast down, O my soul and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God” – Psalms 43:5
I have seen a lot. I have seen miracles. I have seen his hand and his signature in many areas of my life. I suppose I lost the right to doubt this goodness. So, I have to remember. I am trying to at least. I see his love and concern through the words from a few family and friends. They tell me to look up and look forward. Family and friends are the best gifts one can have.
I am only human. Yes, I worry. But, I have to try to remember that –
“The Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations” – Psalms 100:5
I have to remember –
“Not to grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up” – Galatians 6:9
Just remember Ish. Try. You can do it. Encourage your soul.
Just remember. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Have faith. Try to trust again. Do it afraid if you have to. You done it before. Ask for grace to do it again. Only remember young Ish. Try! You’ll be alright son. You’ll be alright. That’s when He told you –
Life is NOT full of surprises: I am.
I get it now…I get it.
Because of his grace, I am
So bless the Lord my soul. Bless him yet again.